Sometimes You Don’t have to Ask Out Loud

One would imagine that writing under a name like Archangel would mean that I do have a strong sense of faith about me. Indeed, I do have a powerful connection to God. While I don’t practice religion in the sense that most church going people would, I could never deny that my place on this earth is only because he allows it. My destiny, my talents, my abilities are all because he is my designer and my architect.

But the name is just that; a name. It only has as much power as I want it to have. It only has as much meaning as I want to give. There are times in my life, and as in everyone’s life, when we falter and we forget about the things that are most important to us. We take the problem that is right in front of us and it must be dealt with somehow or another. Otherwise, life just isn’t what it’s supposed to be.

Life hasn’t been exactly easy for me. I’m pretty sure that there are some who had it pretty worse than I did, I’m sure. But I wonder about those times in my life when I went through the things that I did. I wonder why it was that God would put people through things that might turn their hearts against him and make themselves believe that he doesn’t exist? That answer wasn’t very hard to search for once I stopped to think about it.

I was raised as a Roman Catholic. Then at the beginning of my teenage years I became and atheist. When I was in seventh grade or so, a music teacher taught me the value of faith and the strength it could give a person if they truly believed. So from then I knew there had to be a god. But at some point while I was in high school, I gave up on the idea of religion. I know some of you are going to have an issue with that, but I really don’t see the point of religion. I do however, see the point in having faith. When you break the Christian religions down, that’s pretty much what it comes down to. We all must believe in God, there are things that science can’t explain even with all the technology that we have and so there has to be some outside force that is controlling things that we can’t.

Despite feeling those things within myself, there are moments in my life where I honestly don’t believe God is listening to me. There are points where don’t believe he’s listening to anyone, really. It’s like a prolonged suffering that we have to go through so he can see that we’re worthy of his ear.

That was happening to me recently. I had hit a brick wall emotionally and I just wasn’t going anywhere. I’m still emotionally blocked now but not as bad as I was before. It was a Wednesday night when I was just sitting in my computer chair watching something on TV, when the words they were speaking felt like they had been picked for me to hear.

I searched for the clip I had just seen and referenced the quotes that they had made and all of a sudden, for no particular reason at all besides the fact that I was just so damn full of spirit, I began to cry. It was as if the things I had been asking and wondering about in my mind had been answered by something and I hadn’t been expecting an answer. God had made himself known to me and was telling me what he wanted me to do and what I needed to understand.

So in a moment of weakness and feeling like I had lost all favor with God, he decided to show me that he was right there with me still. He was just hoping I would figure it out for myself. I guess that just proves to me that I should never go back on my beliefs just because times got a little tough.

The Urge: May 3, 2010

My mind wrestles back and forth with ideas on this cool night. It’s not a battle. It’s more of the urge to explain the ideas of life that never once came to mind, but when all is peaceful in the world for moments in time that we might never get back, it’s best to leave behind knowledge we can come back to.

At what point in our lives do we reach the event horizon? The point of which life begins and all that came before this point will not longer exist? I have dreamed many a dream, questioned many thoughts and ideas that have been brought to my attention or by my own creation, and experienced parts of a life I wish I hadn’t. But at what point did my childhood end and the realities of this world begin? Have I only grown in the physical body of a man and remained with the child spirit in side of me, or has the child grown and the man is what I must ultimately discover?

It’s become strange to me. The sensations I have felt over the past few years. Feelings of isolation, feeling of love, feelings of complete desire for one human being, and the demand for the complete destruction of others. As a child, I thought not of these things, but I was ever more the creator. Visiting places in my mind I had convinced myself at one point before my physical existence I had once seen and visited. Even now, when all is quiet in the world, I can still see those places. They are not locked away in the dreams of my mind, but in the ink and paper of my notebooks and journals. They no longer exist in the world I once felt safe in. At some point in my physical existence, I reached the event horizon of childhood and my mind was taken somewhere where logic was the dominant force and the world forged by my imagination had been removed or at least my visitation was limited.

This world, this real world, is so strange to me. It is as strange as a science I’ve never studied, a peace of music I’ve never heard before, or a language I’ve never heard spoken. This world robs people of the mysticism of their dreams, bans them from the comfort of their imaginations, and rapes them into accepting only what they can see and what others want them to believe. What world is this? In who’s imagination have I become entrapped in? People here can be killed, they can be hurt, they can be destroyed, dreams can be shattered, ambitions can be made hopeless, and people no longer believe, they only follow those who have created ideas before them and create none for themselves.

I long for the nurturing safety of my former thoughts. I beg to be brought back to the sanctity of the society of my mind where no one can be destroyed but only changed. Where dreams still mean everything. But demand as I might, I have crossed this event horizon. I must remain here and accept that which I did not ask for, I did not request, but it has been given to me. I must accept that my powers are useless here. My mind can only create on canvas and pieces of paper because even my dreams have been robbed of their special places they had once taken me. Now they’re filled with visions of this world. This world where I am a stranger. This world where happiness must be found and sadness is readily available for the taking. I must find myself. I must find the dreams I may not have left behind. Perhaps, I have yet to cross over….